~still fighting on~

Standing nxt to me is adora, a strong woman who encouraged me alot in ways she doesnt even know. :)

truly, faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. :)

im in a phase of my life right now that everybody think I AM WASTING MY TIME.

my parents "force" me to find a job.

i got rejected for all my appeals to NUS,NTU and SMU. even my application to lasalle as back up plan got rejected as well.

what could be worse than this?

i didnt even applied private Uni. private uni and NIE is my last of my last choices.

yet now im faced with these choice left.

so what worse can happen?

im not saying private uni are not good. in fact i just realised that private uni like SIM are very very very recognized in terms of certs and ranking as comparedto local uni!

ok. the main point is, i really have NO route to take now. i have, physically left with 2 choices (NIE or SIM). But my will is not strong for i m still uncertain whether i really have the passion in these choices, and it really seems like im on a dead end all alone.

nobody can give me any advices, not even the wisest person. my parents cant advice me, they dont really bother to hear out my plans so i didnt really tell them too. my auntie couldnt giv me good advice too, neither does everyone.

because, i realise at the end of the day, what they advice me, are according to the worldy matters and whatever they give me is just wanting me to fit in the society, in the world. but thats not what i wanted. i want to be used by God, i wanna study something or infact work in somewhere, a particular field that He has called me into.

but it seems like so many open doors have been closed that i even question God.

"did i do something wrong? is this a punishment? well is it wrong to chase after what u have whisered to ask me to do?"

i felt so so so confused that i even doubt my calling.

"maybe i heard Him wrong?"

"maybe its just my wishful thinking"

"but how about what He said about the something NEW he is doing in my life?"

"could it all be my imagination?"

but NO GOD, im sure i heard u. but why? why make me go thru what normal Alevel grad are not going thru? why cant i be like any other of my friends who are all going to uni nxt month and enjoying their new free life of studying while i still struggle. why let me go thru this when people who score worse than me, less niche ccas than me could go for interviews and even enter uni when i dont get a single chance nor opporunity. did i score tooooo bad to glorify u? are u asking me to work now? is this a trial? but why does it seem soooooo long and never ending? when will i ever ever ever see the end of my tunnel of "darkness"?

do u think i dont wanna work? of course i do! im near bankrupt alrdy but how can i work now when my future plans and uni applications and stuff are not even settled and plan out? do u tink i can work at ease? my parents and some friends just dont understand.

seriously i realise i dont really have anyone to confide in. some people whom i thought i could ask and talk to, in the end turn out they r too busy for me. or what they replied may be hmmm again worldy? of course im not trying to be "holy" here. but i just wanna make sure i dont wanna go the wrong route that God didnt want me to.

i ask and ask, but why doesnt He answer me? i just wanna follow His will but it just seems that the road is blocked and the instructions are unclear.

"am i wrong?"

when i really wanna hear from Him, i dont. but when i m doing my everyday stuff, he just whisper some stuff to me that makes me think i could be thinking too much. well God is amazing, He speaks as and when He wants and often caught me off guard.

well at least He told me

"whatever route u take, i will still get u there" (but i ask myself, where?)

He also said
"better to have little, with godliness, than to be rich and dishonest" (prov 16:8)

i really did planned my route out alrdy and now, im stopped by obstacles of rejections after rejections, whats more could be worse than feeling unwanted everywhere.

but the Lord remind me

"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer" ( prov 16:1)

" commit ur actiond to the Lord and ur plans will suceed" (prov 16:3)

"we can make our own plans but the lord determines our steps" ( prov 16:9)

sometimes i plan my routes and forgot to include God inside. but He never fails to remind me that im too worldly and i shouldnt be drawn to things of this world for i am in the world but not of the world.

of course, i must admit pride is a obstacle too. i consider self boasting as pride too. so what if people r not looking at u? so what if u r alone? God sees all, He sees ur heart.

i admit im jealous. jealous and envy of many people who are doing way better than where i am now when they may even be non believers and whom i gave myself the excuse that they didnt work as hard as me so as to give me a reason to be envious of their situation.

but jealousy,pride,anger and thinking too highly of myself or even having no confidence at all and also lack of faith only gives a foothold to the devil! so why should i even dwell on them?

i remind myself every morning the first thing i do is to praise Him! and sing his praises! i must tell u its really very hard to praise God when u r feeling down and when everything is not going the way u wanted. seriously. sometimes i even hesitate. but God, if thesed trials can get me closer to u, then why not let it be done unto me as u will?

remind me Lord, then u take broken things and turn them into beautiful.

it does feels like i've been here forever, from the start of the year till now, still lingering. do u see the tears ive cried out when im falling apart at the seams? you never said the ROAD WOULD BE EASY. but u said THAT U WILL NEVER LEAVE. and u NEVER PROMISE THAT THIS LIFE WASNT HARD, but u promise U WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. i'll stop questioning why and escaping cus like the way bird just flies and we cant explain it either too.But, I'll just TRUST U GOD with where i am AND BELIEVE THAT U WIL HAVE U WAY, work ur way. so what if i dont rch my dream? so what if i cant survive? i'll still praise and worship u with all my life!

my pathway now are broken, and ur instructions and signs are unclear. i dont even know the reason why u even brought me here. hadnt i been called to do greater things and be more than ever blessed as ur beloved child? im hanging on to all ur little and big promises, for i know u r not thru with me yet. all these eventually that i do may not be what i would have chosen but let it be done unto me according to ur will. because u never said the road would be easy, u only said u will be there with me and im not alone. so what if all these trials and testings and sufferings could get me closer to u? if it is, I'LL WALK THRU THE FIRE, I'LL WALK THRU THE DARKNESS, I'LL WALK THRU THE VALLEY, IF U WANT ME TO. all i want is ur affirmation. just say it, and I will GO. i wont ask why, i know u have ur reason for putting me in every stage where i am in, just give ur instructions and i'll follow as if they are my life.

now adays i kept feeling what im doing is stupid initially for every task im assigned to do. u know the times where God will prompt u to do something for Him or help someone or encourage someone or even to borrow money etc. and when i really went to do it, i felt so stupid doing it at first cus it felt of course awkward and uneasy. but i will always remember to tell off the devil, "AT LEAST I DID WHAT GOD TOLD ME TO DO." so why should i be afriad, embarass or even feel stupid about it? haha!! so true! at least i did acoording to what God told me to right? :D

alright enough reflections! more mind battles to conquer and more happy days ahead which are uncountable and limitless~~ for when im favoured and in God's hands, what can i be afraid of?

i shall end with a picture of a beautiful woman of God! MY NEW SPIRTIUAL FRIEND! hahah! although i have known rachel for very long, but she is my NEW spiritual n close christian friend now! haha!! she has seen the other side of me who she has not seen last time. the christian/spiritual side of me. and i also hav seen the strong and full of faith side of her too! our relationship is hard to explain. lol! no lah dont anyhow think. not les ah.. haha!! we are very very close friend bestie even before we took God in our conversation. after we took God in only recently, wow! our relationship ah, really FIREWORKS liao. LOL! so glad that our frienship is not anchor on worldy matter and attractions of this fallen world, but its anchored on God. yesh ah~ hehe.

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